Saturday, September 11, 2010

Not having the best day

So I don't know if anyone reads this, and I am not sure if I care whether anyone does or not, just felt like having a rant.

I am having a day filled with self doubt and negative thoughts.
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As you will know from previous blogg entries, my "light-bulb" moment was when I stood in front of the mirror and really looked at myself and what I have become. I thought about how disgusting I looked and how I needed to change.

Well I still feel that way. I still feel disgusting but I feel like I will never be able to change. I mean I feel determined enough to lose the weight but feel like it won't change anything and that I will be permanently scarred by the way I have treated my body.
There is so much extra weight I am carrying that my body shouldn't be. I am "Stretched" beyond repair and I don't know if I can shrink back down.

This seemed to make more sense in my head and seems stupid now that I am typing it down ....
Maybe I fear changing because this is all I have ever known, this lifestyle. I don't really know what I'm saying... how is it I feel like I am failing before I have even started?

4 comments:

  1. Hi Folly,
    Someone is indeed always reading, I think people often dont know what to say, so they leave blogs without commenting.... (I know I do that often!)
    Your fear is normal, and the fact that you feel a little silly admitting to it is also normal. You are the only one telling yourself how "disgusting" you are, or how "scarred you are". NO ONE else thinks this .... we have all been where you are (I often have similar thoughts).
    I want to set a challenge for you... (you don't have to tell anyone the results, nor do you have to tell anyone that you accepted the challenge, just think about it a little)
    NEXT time you look at yourself in the mirror, I want you to ignore how "disgusting" you feel. I want you to look and look and look. You are YOU, you are in control of you, and if you have a favorite "bit" of you then look at that. (I think my favourite bit is my eyes - no love handles on them!) Then when you have found your favourite bit... I want you to say a little mantra to yourself "I AM ME, and I AM BEAUTIFUL"

    I know it sounds silly, and you might feel a little silly, but it is all about self acceptance, and filling you head with positive thoughts, to push away the negitive ones.

    So I am rambling.... I just wanted to say that someone is always out there! :)

    xx
    S

    are you on twitter? @Sar_Wah

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  2. Hey, thanks for the comment. I don't know what I feel more silly about... feeling like I do or having someone comment telling me I am silly...

    Thanks for reading my ramblings anyway..

    Yes I am on twitter.. just followed you
    I am @foilly I am set to private so I will have to accept you if you want to follow me but I don't often tweet much...

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  3. I think acknowledge that you felt that way about yourself and now look to the future and how you will be. You can do this. You have a huge support system in all us 12wbters as well. Michelle will address sooo many of the issues you brought up as well.

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  4. Hey foilly. I am listening too! Sometimes it takes me a while to get around to looking at blogs and even longer to post to my own!

    Do your best to turn that disgust in to determination. I wasted a lot of Round 2 being disappointed in myself that I had let myself get so unfit. That I had put back on 12 kilos in 4-6 months of the 15 kilos that I had lost the previous year and lost valuable time when I could have been losing weight.

    The lesson didn't hit home until Week 10. I still say disgusting things about myself (my other half gets really angry with me about that...) but I am learning more and more to be kinder to myself.

    Not in a "It's okay, you are who you are" kind of way but in a "I can't change the past and the consequences of that past right now but I can change my future and make a difference" type way....

    Would you be disgusted by a friend if they were carrying a lot of weight or would you love them anyway?

    PM me on 12WBT if you want to send a private message.

    Take care.

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